Deluders – 107 – Sleepy Hollow – Martin Marprelate Returns

Sleepy Hollow

A sign flickers overhead: “Sleepy Hollow.”

Carson tries to bypass the door, but, in the next step, finds himself on a beach where the sand is made of shredded ballots and the waves hum like dial tones.

The mic is in his hand and the red light is on.

A single spotlight lands on a sleeping figure in a beach chair, surrounded by cobwebbed hair and the scent of mothballs and memory.

Carson says softly – as if rehearsed: “I’m speaking very quietly because we have a very special guest tonight. He went to sleep a hundred years ago and is about to wake up.”

As if the sun were rising: a circle of light lands on an old man in a beach chair. A very old man. A hundred years of white gauzy hair surrounds him like a web or a cloud so he looks more like Winken, and Blinken and Nod on an ocean of foam. He sleeps with an old wooden bowling ball and a cracked leather knapsack.

The stage is fully lit.

The knapsack suddenly erupts — vibrating wildly, like the bells of a cartoon alarm clock, to the tune of “Yankee Doodle:”

Yankee Doodle bought the town.

Yankee Doodle dandy—

Bought the town and raised the rent,

Ain’t the laws so handy?

The old man is startled awake, coughing out 100 years of dust. He struggles, trapped in his own hair.

From stage right, comes Johnny Carson dressed as Uncle Sam with orange hair, an oversized red tie, a sash across his chest reading CENSORED, money slipping from hidden palms, a selfie–stick projecting from his hat to ensure that he always shows his very best side, and a GoPro telling him what he sees.

“It would appear that you need help terminating your alarm,” Johnny Carson says as he reaches into the jumping knapsack. The sound stops.

“Strike! …Or— spare?” the old man cries. “Was I lucky?

Johnny Carson says, “I can’t spare a Lucky Strike. I don’t smoke anymore.”

“Which was the pitch?”

“Where am I?” asks the old man.

“You are in a rip of time,” says Johnny Carson. “Or maybe just a wrinkle.”

“Ah, then, hereinafter, I shall be called Rip Van Wrinkle,” pronounced the old man, rising from the cloud of hair with a loincloth and a staff.

He pounding the staff upon the ground.

“And you?” he asks. “Who are you?”

“I am Ripoff van Wrangle,” says Johnny Carson. “Formerly known as Uncle Sam.”

“I thank you, Sir, for awakening me. I was afraid I’d be late.” The old man attempts to step forward but trips on his own hair.

“When were you expected?” Carson asks.

“I was on my way to fight for liberty when I stopped for a game of ninepins in Washington D.C.. Something in the air must have caused me to become unconscious.”

“Un-conscience, you mean,” says Johnny Carson. “It’s a D.C. malady.”

“Do you have secrets in that knapsack?” Johnny Carson asks.

“Just an apple,” says Rip Van Wrinkle.

Johnny Carson says in a well-measured theatrical voice: “Isn’t it true that all the secrets you seek are in that knapsack beside you, Pandora.”

“My knapsack?” asks Rip Van Winkle with overly great surprise. “I thought it only had an apple.”

“Indeed,” says Johnny Carson. “It is an Apple.”

“I’m not hungry. You would think after a hundred years — I would be hungry. But I thirst only for information…”

“An apple a day tells you what the doctor would say.”

Rip Van Wrinkle reaches into the cracked leather knapsack. He brings out a vibrating object that glows.

He jerks back, eyes wide.

He drops it, pounces on it, picks it up, holds it up again, turns it sideways, upside down, presses it to his ear like a seashell. It hums and buzzes in his hands.

Then, he falls to his knees. “A Coke bottle,” he breathes with reverence.

Johnny Carson says: “The Gods must be laughing.”

The cell phone says:

Thank you for calling Carnac the Magnificent! Please listen carefully as our options have changed:

For justice, press one.

For integrity, press two.

For free speech, refer to fee speech and see our corporate sponsor.

With a shaky finger, Rip Van Wrinkle pushes “1.”

The cell phone says:

If this is an emergency, please hang up. Don’t call back.

There’s a momentary beat and then:

Justice. Fundamental to our values. It is in our national pledge — Liberty and justice for all.

Justice. Sliding the balance between fairness and unfairness.

Nothing is more important to the functioning of a good government than justice. Results may vary across jurisdictions. Not valid in red states.

Prices may vary. Results promised according to price.

(Please note: Blind to irrelevant differences. Bring money.)

Appearing pro per: When you get to the front of the line, please return to the back.

Otherwise trust the state–employed lawyer to protect your interests. And that of 1836 other clients in the same hearing.

Remember: Bid once or pay forever.

One bad attorney creates a crate of rotted apples.

Choose your lawyer carefully. Just a hint: Who are his friends?

Please fill out the questionnaire at the end of this conversation. And, when doing so: Remember: you, too, may need justice some day.

Additional expenses apply.

To make a complaint, please deposit $10,000.

Otherwise hang up.

The apple goes dark.

“Well, that’s inflation!” says Rip Van Wrinkle. “In my day, we just held the criminals in stocks.”

“Nowadays,” says Johnny Carson. “The criminals control the stocks.”

“In my day, we had trials and the guilty stood before the bench,” says Rip Van Wrinkle.

“Nowadays: the guilty sit on the bench,” says Johnny Carson.

“In my day, the judges made the decisions and handed down the sentence,” says Rip Van Wrinkle.

“Nowadays, the sentence is handed to the judge.”

And the children with their flutes encircled the men:

Yankee Doodle went to court,

With a spiteful grudge;

Slipped a dollar in his hand,

And bought himself a judge.

Yankee Doodle bought the vote,

Voices all for sale;

Every dollar gets to speak —

The biggest stack prevail.

Yankee Doodle made it law,

Money talks the loudest;

Build a mountain billions high,

And buy yourself the proudest.

Yankee Doodle found his voice,

Cash became the measure;

Justice weighs the dollar bills —

The rich can sing forever.

“And the poor are muzzled?” asks Rip Van Wrinkle.

Johnny Carson sees that he is speaking but cannot hear him.

Rip Van Wrinkle shrugs his shoulders, lifts lifts the apple and presses “2.”

The apple says:

You have chosen integrity: The underlying value of all values.

Integrity consists of 4 things:

1. Saying only that which you believe to be true; and

2. Not saying that which you know to be untrue; and

3. Making promises with the intent to fulfill them; and

4. Fulfilling the promises that are made.

Important safety information follows:

Ask your lawyer if integrity is right for you.

Side effects – especially in the Big Beautiful Government will include unemployment.

Integrity can be fatal to your career, lead to false imprisonment, harassment, abuse, investigatory retaliation, tar and feathering, doxxing, and a special investigation by the Big Beautiful Government’s IRS, ICE, DOGE, FBI, CIA, DEA, ATF, ICE, DHS, NSA, CBP, NCIS, USSS, IRS, SEC, FDIC, CFTC, CFPB, GAO, OMB, DOJ, EOUSA, AUSA, OIG, FISA, CDC, NIH, FDA, EPA, AHRQ, DOT, FAA, GSA, USPS, DOE, NEA, NEH, ED, IMLS…

Remember: the Headless Horseman never forgets.

To have integrity today is like being a monk.

After all: Riches are just a bed and bar tab away.

O’Liargram….

Stage lights flicker.

Rip Van Wrinkle is surrounded by beautiful O’Liargram girls wearing long white fuzzy ears on their heads and not much else. They serve him glowing green liquid, oil his hair, and massage his swollen feet.

They constantly coo and tell him what a good boy he is.

Then they dance around him:

Yankee Doodle tells a lie,

Knows it isn’t right;

Says it loud and says it proud,

And tweets it every night.

Yankee Doodle makes a speech,

Words he doesn’t mean;

Changes tune by polling day,

And calls the lie “routine.”

Yankee Doodle makes a vow,

Knows it won’t be done;

Writes it down because they asked.

The bigwigs call it fun.

Yankee Doodle swears an oath,

Hand upon the page;

Morning comes, the script is done:

He cashes in the stage.

Yankee Doodle wags his tail,

Echoes through the right.

Echoes come included —

A bar tab and a night.

“That’s the way it is,” says Johnny Carson with a grimace. “Everyone must come to the king’s castle and pay homage to the king.”

“Abraham Lincoln sold nights in the White house,” says Rip Van Wrinkle helpfully.

“We sell rooms to the White House,” says Johnny Carson. “And anyone else with enough cash to buy indulgences from our country.”

“At least you have free speech,” says Rip Van Wrinkle.

Rip Van Wrinkle pushes “3”: “Free speech.”

“I’m sorry, Sir. No collect calls.”

“Please deposit five cents for three minutes.”

“Deposit another nickel, please.”

“Please deposit ten cents for the next three minutes.”

“Please deposit twenty–five cents to continue your call.”

Your time is up. Please deposit additional coins.”

Overhead, Johnny Carson hears: “There he is!”

Johnny Carson’s Burfie begins flashing red.

Carson is pulled by the Burfie. He is splayed against the wall, avoiding smashing his nose only by throwing back his head. The Burfie is attached like a magnet and it is attached to his neck.

Carspm cannot move. The Burfie has him in a choke hold.

From the ceilings, the doors, and the walls come Darth Vader with guns in both hands and rifles under the arms, tanks in front and helicopters on top.

If there are people inside, they are hiding behind masks.

No individual responsibility.

Just following orders.

They seize the old man and drag him across the floor and out the door.

Carson hears their Burfies:

Hunt them down! Find them!

Bring them to GEO and CXW for your reward!

Freeloaders of the American Dream, stealing jobs and welfare simultaneously

Bring them to GEO and CXW for your reward!

Murderers of “traditional values,” armed with bilingual children and spicy food

Bring them to GEO and CXW for your reward!

Rapists of cultural purity, smuggling rhythm, resilience, and multilingual poetry

Bring them to GEO and CXW for your reward!

Invaders with leaf blowers and tamales, threatening gated communities with flavor