America’s Dilemma

 It is the final presentation of the day — except for the aftermath.

The “On Air” warning is lit..

The announcer says:  “Silence on the set.” 

“We are on the air.”

The camera’s red light comes on.

A clacker crosses the screen:  America’s Dilemma, # 2025.”

The set is arranged like Jeopardy!  Dominated by 5×5 square backlit LCD panels — now blank and dark.  Three lecterns are arranged in a half-circle.

The spotlight illuminates Dick Cavett at the elevated host’s podium.   Two guests are at lecterns in the shadows.

The announcer says: 

This is America’s Dilemma! Where real American people, help real Americans solve real American problems. 

Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered here the best people in the world to answer these children’s dilemmas:  You!  Real Americans! In the studio and at home… 

The studio audience has already heard the problem and written their suggestions. From television land, call the number on the screen to offer your help and input.

And now, please welcome your host:  Dick Cavett, from Yale University!”

Dick Cavett’s podium flashes red, white and blue.  He ducks his head and gives a tiny smile with a restrained wave.

“His guest experts tonight are, first:  Carnac the Magnificent from far far east….  Somewhere around Chicago.”

“Nebraska,” says Carnac. 

“Nobody comes from Nebraska,” the announcer answers.

“And also, the wizard with a pen, Washington Irving, direct from Sleepy Hollow…”

Washington Irving sits like an exhausted scarecrow eloped from the field: exceedingly lank, with narrow shoulders, hands that dangle a mile out of his sleeves, and feet that might have served for shovels with a small head, huge ears, large green glassy eyes, and a long snipe nose.

He begins to unfold himself, when the announcer says:  “And now let the show begin!”

Dick Cavett looks at the audience and then looks off set.  He says, “I’m also from Nebraska.”

“Nobody comes from Nebraska,” the announcer replies.

“That’s why I sound British,” Dick Cavett says to the audience.

Then, in his show voice, he says: 

Welcome to our television audience.  For those of you joining us for the first time… where have you been? 

No, just kidding… 

Let me explain how America’s Dilemma works. 

You are going to give advice to four famous American children facing problems anyone might face… Any normal American…

But these are special Americans.  Jonas Salk, who invented the cure for polio.  David Kearney McDonough, a slave who became a Manhattan doctor.  And George Washington.  I forget what he did…

(Hint for homeschoolers:  he was the First President of the United States.)

They are coming to you for your advice.

We rely on you to advise them. 

But we also rely on experts.

Tonight, we have two experts.  Both wizards.   Chosen for their ability to discern truth without evidence and give advice before they hear the problem.

The first is my old friend and nemesis, Carnac the Magnificent.

Dick Cavett turns to look at Carnac in the podium to his left:  “I heard you tripped on the way in.  Very glad you made it,” he says with a friendly twinkle.

“Carnac the Magnificent is not accustomed to gravity,” Carson replies.

“So I hear,” responds Cavett.  “Air is rarified at the top.”

“As you say: There can only be one king of nighttime television.”

“And, fortunately for all of us:  only one Carnac!” says Cavett. 

Cavett turns back to the audience: 

Aren’t we lucky to have Carnac the Magnificent —  direct from the ghostly realm beyond Sleepy Hollow to reveal the mysteries of the universe…

From his podium, Carnac says:  “Sleepy Hollow is the other guy.  I’m from Burbank.”

To Carnac, Cavett says:  “I thought you were from Nebraska.”

“Nobody’s from Nebraska,” says Carnac.

To the audience, Cavett says: 

Let me introduce our second wizard – a wizard with a pen.  The one and only true journalist of American forklore and satire: 

Washington Irving!

Washington Irving unfolds and stands up with a bow to Dick Cavett, Johnny Carson and the audience:

My gracious host, let me thank you for this honor. 

Hard-earned and well-appreciated.

There are men who seem to have been born with a pen in their hand. They write with ease and fluency, and pour forth their ideas with a copiousness that astonishes their less gifted brethren.

But there are others, like me, who must think deeply, read widely, and digest slowly, before they can utter a single sentence worth preserving. These are the true laborers in the vineyard of literature; they do not scatter their seed upon the surface, but plant it deep, and wait patiently for the harvest.

I stand here before you today…

He is still talking when the red light goes off on his camera, and his podium goes dark.

“He wrote all those characters with a quill!” says Cavett.  “You gotta admire the guy.  Imagine what he would do with a computer!”

“That is what happens when you have too much time to think before you write,” says Johnny Carson.  “My thinking capacity ends at a hundred and forty characters.”

“Does that man have any idea what 30 seconds costs?” asks the announcer.

“If it can’t be said in 30 seconds, it isn’t worth saying at all,” agrees Cavett.

They all look at Washington Irving, who is standing like Pinocchio on strings, still talking and gesticulating and nodding his head at the audience as if they could hear.  

Dick Cavett shakes his head.

He turns back to the audience. 

And now, let’s get on with our show…  The first child to share his dilemma and ask for your help is none other than:   George Washington!

“He was the first President of the United States – for those who don’t use quarters any more,” Johnny Carson says.  “They don’t put his visage on credit cards.”

Dick Cavett turns to Carnac:  “Carnac the Magnificent,  can you divine why George Washington has sought our assistance today?”

Carnac the Magnificent raises his chin.  Adjusts his quinceañera turban stuffed with thousand dollar bills.  With every movement, the bills flutter down around him.  

He closes his eyes, places his fingers on his forehead, his elbows out and says, “I must have total silence.”

“You usually get it,” says Cavett.

As bills float from his hat and into his pocket, Carnac says,

I have received a message from the hinterlands.  George Washington wants us to ask Google how to get out of Valley Forge.

“Google didn’t exist in your lifetime,” says Cavett. 

“The Thomas Guide, then,” says Carson.

“Mr. Irving, what say you?  Why is the child George Washington asking for our help today?”

Washington Irving unfolds from the chair and begins to stand.

George Washington was one of the greatest Americans that ever lived. 

He was no king, no Caesar, but a citizen.

A man who saw the nation as a trust, not a throne.

In his modesty lay his majesty. 

George Washington hesitated to grasp command, yet never faltered once it was placed in his hands. 

His character, pure and high stands in history  in history like a marble statue in a garden of flowers — not gaudy, not fragrant, but of enduring beauty and majesty.  

He was grave and deliberate…

“One hundred forty character limit exceeded.  Twenty-eight percent went on air,” says the announcer.

“Yes, yes, thank you very much,” says Dick Cavett.

“People only remember 10% of that,” says Carson.

“At best,” agrees Cavett. 

“We need them only to remember our sponsors,” says the announcer.

Washington Irving is still talking but no one can hear him.

Dick Cavett to the studio:  “Now, let’s hear from the child himself…  Everyone give a big hand to…    George Washington!”

A child’s voice says: 

I played with a hatchet and cut down my father’s cherry tree.
Now my father wants to know what happened.

What do I tell him?

In a loud whisper, Johnny Carson says:  “Hide! I’ll cover for you!”

Washington Irving is talking and gesticulating.  But no one can hear him.

Dick Cavett says: 

Well, now let’s see what the audience has said.  Remember television land — send in your answers post-stamped tomorrow for a free token of gratitude from America’s Dilemma!  In no particular order, the top five responses are…

The band begins to play: 

There’s a great big beautiful answer…

at the end of every day.

 A great big beautiful answer…

Just a turn away…

Backlit with LED, the first panel reads: 

Your father can’t prove it.  Deny it.

Johnny Carson says:  “Absolutely right!  The American Way!  Fifth Amendment!  No one can MAKE me tell the truth!”

The music begins again, and the second panel turns.

If he has evidence, accuse him of planting it to frame you.

“The OJ Simpson defense,” says Dick Cavett.

“Convicted?  Witch-hunt!  Caught? Framed.  Recorded? Faked.  Works in kindergarten, courtroom and politics,” agrees Johnny Carson.

“Can’t wait for the next one,” says Dick Cavett.

The third panel flashes:

Tell him if he helps you out, you’ll owe him later.

Bills tumble from Carson’s quinceañera hat into his pockets. “I know nothing!” he protests, hands raised.

The fourth panel appears:

Blame the kid who always gets in trouble.

Carson quips, “Make sure he can’t afford a good lawyer.”

Cavett adds, “And none of your relatives give DNA samples.”

“Please ensure that you go through all the steps of affirmative action before you point the finger,” says the announcer.

The next panel seems to struggle – almost turning and then flipping back again.

Finally the panel reveals:

Confess. Repent. Cry, beg, promise to be good, pay your dues. It’s all public relations anyway.

“The Jim Bakker defense,” says Johnny Carson. “And Bill Clinton.  Antiquated.  The Headless Horseman doesn’t even pretend to repent or reform.  Just grabs what it wants whenever it wants it.” 

Cavett shrugs: “A cherry tree isn’t really a big deal. Just a white lie.”

Johnny Carson gives him a weak smile.

It’s good John Rodgers is not on this panel.

Dick Cavett turns to the studio audience.  “Let’s move on to the next dilemma…  The child requesting your help is Horace Mann.”

Carson touches his turban and says, “Carnac the Magnificent predicts the problem: whether to change his name from Horse Man to Mister Ed.”

“Straight out of the horse’s mouth,” says Dick Cavett.

To the audience:  “And now:  Horace Mann!”

A child’s voice:

In my town, poor children cannot afford to go to school. I think every child has a right to free education. What should I do?

Irving is flapping like a rag doll, but unheard. Cavett turns to the boards.

Carson adjusts his quinceañera turban and a volcano of thousand dollar bills shoots out, burying him in debt.   “My tuition bill at the public university,” he says.  “For one semester.”

“I thought they had a football team,” says the announcer. “Brain damage isn’t too big a price to pay for education.”

“At Yale, we don’t discuss tuition,” says Cavett. “It’s bad form and impolite.”

Cavett then says:  “Let’s see what the audience said.”

First flip:

Tell ICE and they’ll get rid of those kids for you.

Carson: “In private, well-funded detention centers that rival the Anderson Prison during the Civil War – deals made on islands among the elite of the world. Go Darth Vader”

Second flip:

It would be better for them to work than go to school.

“That’s right!” says Carson.  “Just work harder!”

One shift, two shifts, three shifts four

That will barely get you through the door.

Five shifts, six shifts, seven shifts more

Week’s not done and your knees are sore.

Eight shift, nine shifts, ten shifts more

Now you get a bed on the master’s floor.

“We don’t call it slavery,” says Dick Cavett with a frown.

Third flip:

Give them a schoolhouse but don’t bother to train the teachers.

Carson:  “So clever.  That gets all those soft-hearted sissies off your back.  And they never realize what you’re doing with your selective funding.” 

Washington Irving is practically bouncing out of his seat – looking like Raggedy Andy in a hurricane.  His arms are flapping and his legs are bent like a jumping jack.  “Education is a right!” his lips seem to be saying. 

But no one can hear him.

Fourth flip: 

Pay their parents to keep them home to learn from Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow.

“And then cancel the shows!” cries Johnny Carson.  “Beautiful!”

“No-skool, they call it,” says Dick Cavett. “I think they mean no skull.”

Fifth flip:   

Make them work for a generation or two to justify the expense of education.

Irving suddenly surges up in his chair, flapping his long arms, and for a brief blip of a second we hear: “…the noble temple of learning, whose columns must be hewn with care…”

He is still talking.

Dick Cavett says to the audience and explains:  “His agent had requested 6 weeks to respond our questions.  I believe he misunderstood.  He thinks he gets to talk for 6 weeks.”

He shrugs and flicks his pencil.  “Our next child is David Kearney McDonogh.  Carnac the Magnificent, do you have any advice for this young man?”

 “If you have to ask, the answer’s know,” says Johnny Carson. 

A boy with a strong southern drawl says:

Born a slave in Louisiana, I completed college with top scholarship in every subject, mastering Hebrew, Latin, and Greek as well as speaking fluently in French, English, Spanish, and German.

I have the funds to attend medical school from my ex-master and sponsor, John McDonogh. 

But every medical school in the United States has rejected my application because I am black.

What should I do?

“What about an apprenticeship?” asks the announcer.

“Ignorance teaching ignorance creates an illusion of learning,” David says.  “I’ve been home-schooled.  I know the difference. I want a real education where I can learn from other students as well as from the teachers.  Where I am ensured the basic foundation to teach myself.”

Cavett says:  “You should apply to Yale.  We always accept the best.  Especially if they are minorities.”

The boy says:  “Yale rejected me.  As did Harvard. Columbia.  William & Mary.  All of them.”

“Let’s see what the audience says,” Cavett answers, his neck reddening.

Flip 1: 

You shouldn’t go where you aren’t wanted. 

“Like the Rotary Club, the yacht club, the dining halls and hotels,” says Carson.

Flip 2: 

You should be grateful just to be free.

“That’s right!  Not in a stall.  Just a corral.” says Carson.  “Working 10 shifts to feed your family.”

Flip 3. 

Blacks can’t be doctors.  Do something else.

Carson waves his hand and Cavett flips the next panel.

Flip 4: 

Just wait.  Things will change one day.

“After you and your kids have already rotted away,” says Carson.

Flip 5: 

You never lose until you quit.

“Have you ever been black in America?” the child asks.  “You never quit.  You can’t. But it never ends.”

“Have a white guy fill out the application, bring the transcript, do the interview,  and then show you show up the first day,” Carson says.  “Surprise!”

Washington Irving is still talking and waving his hands. 

Dick Cavett says, “Well, there you have it, Mr. McDonogh.  The feedback.  Let’s move on to the next child:  Jonas Salk.”

“Isn’t he a musician?” asks Johnny Carson.

Cavett, to the audience:  “Well, let’s hear from him.”

A child says: 

I am the only man in the world who knows how to cure polio.  I can restrict it to those who can pay and become very, very rich.

What should I do?

Carson says, “Get a body guard.”

Cavett says:  “If you donate it to Yale, it is tax free.” 

His self-deprecating smile looks sad.

“Let’s hear from the audience,” says Cavett.

Flip 1: 

Patent it.  Put it up for auction.  A big auction held in Switzerland.

Cavett looks at Johnny Carson who waves his hand.

Flip 2: 

Keep it secret.  Only for the people who are worthy of it. Choose who will live. 

Cavett again looks at Johnny Carson who just shakes his head.

Flip 3:  

Sell the formula to avoid liability.  But keep the name.  That way they take all the risk and you get all the money.

Flip 4: 

Just charge a tiny little bit every time everyone uses.  Like $10.00 or something.

Flip 5: 

Give it away.  Save the world.

“You think?” says Johnny Carson. 

Dick Cavett nods.  “Maybe that,” he says to Carson.

He turns to the studio audience.

And now you get to hear what those American gentlemen actually did when facing these dilemmas.

George Washington:  “I told the truth and became President of the United States.”

Horace Mann:  “With the help of a multitude of others, I have many schools named after me now.”

David Kearney McDonough:  “I was a special student under Dr. John Kearny Rodgers and was awarded my medical degree fifty years after I completed my education at Columbia.”

Jonas Salk:  “I cured polio and no one knows my name.”

Dick Cavett to the audience:  “And, that, ladies and gentlemen, is how true Americans resolve their true dilemmas!

“How well did you score?  Stay tuned for your diagnoses…

The “On Air” sign switches off.