Keynote Speech

Then the organ begins to play Yankee Doodle and Johnny Carson steps up in front of the altar – between the crucifix and the nave. 

He acknowledges the applause and then turns to the attention to the two men.

He says:

Burfie.  Hello.

Isn’t that wonderful?

No, I’m serious.

These two men — The Reverend Doctor John Rodgers and His Excellency, the Right Reverend Dr. Charles Inglis — reunited after a couple of centuries apart! 

Opposites in a war where everything was at stake — their families, their religion, their jobs, and their homes. 

Yet, here they are tonight, warmly greeting one another…

Of course, it has been a few centuries… So maybe it did take a few centuries to soften the animosities…. 

No, I’m just kidding.

Fine men.  They know I’m joking.  They’ve just shown us what true gentlemen are —  haven’t they?

Let’s give our hand in sincere applause to the Right Reverend Doctor Charles Inglis and Reverend Doctor John Rodgers.

Okay, that’s enough applause.  This isn’t a contest.  

If I don’t do the monologue, I don’t get paid… 

Here we are at the Cathedral.  Isn’t it amazing?  No, truly.

Look at this, I’ve got Jesus at my back.  How could anything go wrong?

Welcome to the Cathedral. 

A Cathedral! 

I must say:  This is a first for me. 

They never even let me talk in church.

I love this setting.  No.  Really.  I’m being serious.  It’s the perfect cover.  You  can all now say you spent the day at church…

Find the hidden priest and you’ll get your indulgence.    

And here we are at Trinity Cathedral… 

Trinity.  Isn’t that perfect?  You can never go wrong with three.

All good things come in threes:  Scotch, Pall Malls, and a fine lady.  For Episcopalians:  incense, pomp, and impeccable hats.  Presbyterians:  guilt, casseroles, and chaos.  Americans – cheese made out of milk and called Kraft.  Abel, Cain and Seth.

Three.  Perfect.  Unless you’re Ed McMahon with a chimpanzee.

Double. Double the fun!

No, seriously, folks, it’s an honor to be here in Trinity Cathedral.

They tell me it burned down in 1776.

I know the feeling. I bombed in Cleveland once.

But don’t worry. We’ll get through it.

After all, this is the reunion of the Sons of Liberty. 

And if there’s one thing they know how to do:  It’s to declare something finished before it has even begun.

Although it’s looking pretty finished now, isn’t it?  With the Headless Horseman horse we invited inside our walls…  Should’ve looked under the tail…

One theory about that, you know:  It was virus.  Planted a long time ago.

You are a good crowd tonight. 

Not like last night. 

Did you see last night’s show? 

I haven’t seen that many angry men in wigs since King George tried to tax their chamber pots. Looked like monkeys scaling those walls. 

I do have some advice for the Sons of Liberty. 

Let’s talk about the wigs… Don’t give those up.  A man is just not a man unless the curl is just right.

And it hides the baldness.

And the lice…

And, about that tea… Could you add lemon and sugar?

Third, I know the food situation is really bad out there.  I saw the luncheonette is offering hero sandwiches for rent.  Hamburger helper can’t find anything to help…  And, in Beverly Hills, coffee is two dollars a cup. 

Even the beggars have raised their prices.

So:   Help the economy:  put a little cheese on your wafer.  

Tonight’s sacrament is brought to you by Kraft American Cheese — the official liturgy of liberty.  Surely that little bite of the savior would be better with cheese. 

Let it melt on your tongue. 

Nothing melts like our unique American cheese.

And don’t worry:  All slices are individually packaged —  just like our freedoms.

Available in different flavors to suit everyone’s unique taste.

And, now, let me introduce our Key Note speaker…

Now Johnny Carson is fumbling.

An extemporaneous monologue is one thing — he’s in control of the content.

But an introduction?  

All he knows are the names…

But he’s a professional.

And speaking of fun guys….

Today we have the funnest…. Is that a word?  Funnest?  Funniest?

… Our keynote speaker today is Reverend John Knox, from Scotland.

Who will then be followed with commentary by Right Reverend Doctor Charles Inglis and Reverend Doctor John Rodgers.

John Knox.  That’s all he knows.

Carson would do knock-knock jokes but there’s something about the man…  Not the type to laugh at himself. 

Perhaps he introduce the man with the famous line:  “And, with no further ado…”

Automatically, Carson gropes into his pocket where the cue card is supposed to be. 

And there it is. 

He must have received it earlier.  Some things become so automatic, you forget that you did them.

Glancing, so no one can see, Carson reads automatically:

Burfie. Hello.

Before he comes out, let me tell you a little bit about our key note speaker tonight.

John Knox is a 16th century Scottish reformer, credited with beginning the Presbyterian Church in Scotland.

A man who despised authority.  Unless it was his own.

A man who despised women.  Unless they fawned on him. 

A man who was never caught with fire – but poked the embers to create the flames.

He and his Lords of Congregation maintained brutal control of Mary, Queen of Scots; orchestrated or encouraged the death of her young singer, Davie Rizzio; tormented and murdered the earnest twenty-year-old King of Scotland, Henry Darnley.

He set his fiery pulpit to the task of burning Catholic and Anglican chapels, churches, and monasteries throughout Scotland.  Destroying and plundering crucifixes, baptismal fonts, chalices…  Melting for gold. 

That would be enough.

But, there’s more…

John Knox was the body guard of George Wishart — executed  during the reign of Bloody Mary. According to Knox:  when George saw there was no hope for himself, he begged John Knox to run.  So:  George was burned on the stake while his bodyguard, John Knox, was hiding in a castle.

He also claimed to be the counselor for Sir Wyatt.  Wyatt, too, had said that John Knox was more important as a preacher than a revolutionary.  When Wyatt was beheaded,  his body placed in quarters at every gate in London, John Knox was in Scotland.

He was the man who inflamed anger and hatred…

But never got his hands dirty.

John Knox is the author of that cheery little pamphlet:  The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women.   

Quickly summarized:  Suffer not ye men to obey a woman. 

Women and Catholics are the devil’s tools. 

Under his guidance, the Lords of the Congregation swore to provide mutual support against “Satan and all wicked power that does intend tyranny and trouble against the congregation.”  
As required by the scripture, the Lords excluded:  “He who is emasculated.”

For they knew they were holy…

and the Lord was among them 
               because John Knox said so.

And here he is, himself, to edify us today…

Ladies and gentlemen…

please welcome —

straight from 16th–century Edinburgh,

the man who has claimed his favorite adjectives are bloody, beastly, rotten, and stinking:

Give a big welcome to John Knox!

What the hell? thinks Carson as he returns to the shadows.  Who writes these scripts?

But, really, he is wondering:  Why did he say such words?

He’d hardly heard them as he said them.  How did such things come through his mouth without the filter of his own brain?

Darkness falls and candles flare.  The flushed face of John Knox appears behind the fiery crucifix.  His neck juts forward with round red jowls, a perpetual squint; sculpted hair of Medusa, and a hand continuously out. 

He leans on the pulpit and looks down on the people.

He says:

There are the worthy. 

And unworthy.

Thus: if thy brother or thy son or thy daughter or thy wife or thy friend, entice thee to serve other gods, you shall not consent unto him.

Thou shalt, instead,

kill 

thy brother or thy son or thy daughter or thy wife or thy friend.

Thine hand should be the first upon him to put him to death.

Delay not thy vengeance! 

Let death devour them in haste. 

Let the earth swallow them up. 

Let them go down quickly into hell. 

There is no hope for them. 

Consume them in thine anger. 

Let them never bring their wicked counsels to effect.

To the carnal man this may seem to be pronounced in rage rather than wisdom.

However, God wills that:

all people stoop,

cover their faces,

and desist from reasoning,

when commandment is given to execute his judgement.

There are the worthy.  And unworthy.

The worthy follow the prophet. 

The prophet moves society towards greater holiness.

A prophet is to be a gadfly to the civil authority.

The civil authority worships flags.  This is idolatry!

If thou civil authority fail to do as God commands: 

thou shalt do it for God and the prophet. 

Thou shalt do as God commands even if thy civil authority forbids it.

It is the duty

of the populace,

civil magistrates, nobility, and the royal majesty

to stamp out idolaters

wherever they might be found.

I dare not deny that God hath revealed unto me secrets unknown to the world.

I am the prophet.  I speak to motivate you.

No one has more authority than the prophet

because the prophet’s authority

comes directly from God.

Thou shalt obey the commandments

from thy prophet

 just as thou would obey

an instruction from God himself.

There are the worthy.  And unworthy.

The worthy follow the prophet. 

As to the unworthy:

If ye strike not at the root,

the branches that appear to be broken

will bud again.

Stone dead hath no fellow.

John Knox, first Presbyterian, disappears.

The Applause Lamp blinks but no one claps.

Johnny Carson stays in the shadows. 

The darkness is silent. 

The silence holds.

Where’s Johnny?
No one can find him.
As if he has disappeared. 

Does the man exist without the red light?

Johnny Carson knows the silence that should not be disturbed.

But Jane Fonda does not.